The Adventures of Katalina
by mak4
Summary: It's Kat's seventeenth birthday. I wrote this in under an hour. I apologize profusely.


I want to apologize sincerely for anyone who writes seriously in this category. It's just that I've just remembered that tomorrow's Kat's birthday. Not that I forgot her birthday, but I forgot that it's tradition (or it will be, once I've done it twice) for me to write her a short little fic for it. The last one was based on an odd little dream I had, but unfortunately the only dreams I've had recently have been far too complicated for that. I've exhausted both _Pirates of the Caribbean_ and _The Patriot_ for the use of these fics, so I decided to turn to Secret Window instead.

Happy Birthday, Kat!

MURDER

Katalina Rainey lived in upstate New York with her mother. She didn't really want to be there, but both parents had insisted upon it. Her mother said it would be good to learn more about each other (Katalina rolled her eyes just thinking about it) and her father had promised that she could move back in with him... just as soon as he'd finished his book.

The truth was, the only thing Katalina had in common with her mother, was her eyes. Literally. Her mother spent all her spare time (and she had a lot of that- she didn't work) with her boyfriend, Ted, whom Katalina didn't like. And she was terribly whiny. She was always calling Katalina's father, and crying, and acting like she missed him, and then blowing up at him five seconds later. Katalina thought she was ridiculous. After all, her mother had cheated on her father.

Katalina went downstairs, just as her mother was telling her stupid boyfriend that he should stay here, while she went to talk to Mort. Mort was Katalina's father. Katalina stood there, staring at Ted as she leant against the wall. They heard the car pull away. Ted slammed his fist against the wall. Katalina laughed as he yelled in pain. He had tried to punch her father earlier that day, but had missed and hit the car instead, breaking his hand, or something.

Ted glared at her, and then moved for his coat.

"I thought Mom told you to stay here."

He glared at her again, and then left. "Well fine," Katalina told the air. "I can do that too." She went outside and got in her red VW Bug convertible, intending to drive up to visit her father. When she got there, she saw her mother's car backed into a tree, still running.

"My god, Mom needs to learn to drive," Katalina muttered, parallel parking her car perfectly. As she got out, she noticed a trail of blood on the ground. "She really needs to be more careful."

Katalina walked into the back yard, where her mother was lying on the ground with a screwdriver in her ankle, Ted was slumped against the porch, and her father was standing over Ted with a shovel and a redneck hat on. "Hi, Daddy!"

Mort Rainey looked up at her. "Hi, Katalina!"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, I was just going to kill Ted with this shovel."

"Don't do that. You might be arrested. I have a better idea."

"What's that?"

"Teddy bears. Ted's deathly afraid of teddy bears. Why else do you think nobody calls him Teddy?"

"Because it's a retarded name?"

"Well that too."

"Please, no," Ted cried. "Not Teddy bears!"

Which of course meant that now they _had_ to get him a teddy bear. Mort ran upstairs and grabbed his teddy, Mr. Sniggles, from the bed. He threw it in Ted's face. Ted proceeded to squirm around on the ground, crying and trying to fight the teddy off. Finally he got up, and jumped in the lake. The lake somehow connected itself to the ocean, and Ted swam all the way to Antarctica, where he was never heard from again.

Either that, or he was eaten by a shark.

"Wow, you were right," Mort said. "That was better than killing him with a shark." He turned to Katalina. "But now I have to tell you something. Katalina, I'm in love with you."

Katalina looked at him. "Don't get me wrong, Daddy. I think you're gorgeous. But that's kinda illegal."

"Oh no it's not."

"What?"

Mort started breathing heavily. "Luke... I'm not your father."

"My name's Katalina."

"Oh, close enough."

"But wait- who _was_ my father?" Mort pointed to Ted. Katalina looked shocked. "You killed my father?" Mort shrugged. "Yeah, I get your point."

"Wait!" Mort yelled. "It gets better." He pulled off his face and hair, which were actually a mask and wig, and revealed...

"JACK SPARROW!" Katalina yelled.

"The one and only," Mort, I mean Jack, agreed.

"This is great!" Katalina yelled. She then grabbed him and they proceeded to snog for several hours. I mean minutes.

"Alright, let's go," Jack ordered.

"Where?"

"To the _Black Pearl_, of course." He pointed to the lake, where the _Pearl_ was anchored.

"Wait!" Katalina's mother yelled. "What about me?"

Jack and Katalina shared a devious look. "Well..."

MURDER

"Mr. Rainey, your door is open. I'm coming in." Sheriff Dave Newsome walked up the stairs. "I can see you're taking a break from your writing. The braces are a nice touch."

'Mort' Rainey looked up at him. "But I'm _not_ Mort Rainey. I'm Amy Rainey, dressed in a costume."

"Nice try, Mr. Rainey, but I'm not as stupid as look. Amy would never wear that shirt. I just want you to know that we know that you committed those murders, and we'll prove it."

"_How_? They're not even dead!"

"Yes they are."

"No, they're not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not"

"Are too, are too, are too."

"Are not, are not, are _NOT_! _I'm_ Amy Rainey, and I'm right here!" She stood up and stamped her feet, throwing a temper tantrum. "And Ted's in Antarctica. Or a shark's stomach."

"Oh, sure. And I haven't heard that one before. Just... shop somewhere else until we can throw you in jail."

MEANWHILE

Jack and Katalina had traveled back to the official time of _Pirates of the Caribbean_. They were having a wonderful time having mad pirate sex. Because everyone knows that mad pirate sex is better than mad regular people sex.

The end.

I am so, so sorry.


End file.
